No title for this one… why? because what I’m feeling right now doesn’t have a title. It doesn’t have a name… Because I just realized that everyone is moving on… and I’m stuck. I don’t want to be here… but here I am. There’s so much to say… so much will be left unsaid, but the thing is: how do you choose what to say? Crying won’t get you anywhere, but that’s the only thing you want to do… depressing, huh? I need a life… I just saw a commercial for that new series “Selfie” and I realized I’m like that girl! Yes, I have followers on Twitter. I’ve met people (a lot of people in my life) but I can call “friend” to so many people that I can count them with one hand… and I’ll have fingers left. Internet friends are great… and I wish I could meet everyone of them in real life but… I’m stuck. I’m stuck, nothing is a dream… my dreams will probably never come true and I’m stuck. I can’t breathe anymore… I’m stuck and I’ll probably will be forever. Stuck in the middle of nowhere with no one by my side…

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Going back to my roots…

I realized that, you don’t get over everything that happened in your past so quickly or so easily as someone might think.

I was asked to return to my high school to do some work and as soon as I stepped into their grounds, I remembered how much I wanted to get the hell out of there… I remembered the laughs at my back, the whispers, the pushing, the names… I remembered everything, and I didn’t want to remember…

Some people might think that I have an easy life, but it’s not like that at all. When I was almost finishing high school, I was at the receiving point of some bullies. I now know the correct term to call them… at the time, I just thought they were my personal nightmare.

I actually thought of quitting high school and get a job, because I was tired. I didn’t want to go back to school. I was that girl that only had a friend. A friend that stuck with me even when that meant that she was also at the breaking point. It was a nightmare.

Why am I writing this? Because I realized that I need to let go of those memories if I want to go back there. I have to go back there. I’m gonna be a professor now, so I have to forget everything. I have problems with my self-esteem since high school, and I don’t think that’s going to change anytime soon, but at least I want to be able to navigate those halls without thinking that someone is whispering about me. That someone is gonna call me names behind my back just because I like to read and I enjoy it. That someone can insult me and my family just because I get good grades. That someone can be mean enough to make me cry in front of everyone and then laugh in my face just because I’m pathetic. Sometimes I actually think I’m pathetic, and then those voices come back at night and bite my brain until I’m in tears. I wish I could shield someone else from all that.

I saw a girl today, she was hiding behind a wall because a group of kids were laughing of her glasses. Kids would be kids, it’s true, but that’s not an excuse to be mean with a purpose.

So, yeah, I just hope that I can be strong enough to go back without having a panic attack or feeling like I don’t belong… a feeling I always had while I was there…

But, “the nature of this flower is to bloom”…

In days like this (with decisions like these) you need a little Tennyson…

So, yeah, according to everyone (except the ones that are really involved, I mean, the students) we should go back to “normal” from tomorrow on…

And yeah, I write “normal” because honestly… what’s normal? Especially in a country that’s falling to pieces and where being a student is qualified as “high risk”

Said that, I remembered this poem by Alfred Tennyson, that’s how I feel. We’re the 600 the poem mentioned….

The Charge of the Light Brigade

Half a league, half a league,
Half a league onward,
All in the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred.
“Forward, the Light Brigade!
“Charge for the guns!” he said:
Into the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred.

“Forward, the Light Brigade!”
Was there a man dismay’d?
Not tho’ the soldier knew
Someone had blunder’d:
Theirs not to make reply,
Theirs not to reason why,
Theirs but to do and die:
Into the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred.

Cannon to right of them,
Cannon to left of them,
Cannon in front of them
Volley’d and thunder’d;
Storm’d at with shot and shell,
Boldly they rode and well,
Into the jaws of Death,
Into the mouth of Hell
Rode the six hundred.

Flash’d all their sabres bare,
Flash’d as they turn’d in air,
Sabring the gunners there,
Charging an army, while
All the world wonder’d:
Plunged in the battery-smoke
Right thro’ the line they broke;
Cossack and Russian
Reel’d from the sabre stroke
Shatter’d and sunder’d.
Then they rode back, but not
Not the six hundred.

Cannon to right of them,
Cannon to left of them,
Cannon behind them
Volley’d and thunder’d;
Storm’d at with shot and shell,
While horse and hero fell,
They that had fought so well
Came thro’ the jaws of Death
Back from the mouth of Hell,
All that was left of them,
Left of six hundred.

When can their glory fade?
O the wild charge they made!
All the world wondered.
Honor the charge they made,
Honor the Light Brigade,
Noble six hundred.

 

And closing with Michael Oher’s words from The Blind Side: “Should you always do what others tell you to do? Sometimes you might not even know why you’re doing something. I mean any fool can have courage. But honor, that’s the real reason for you to either do something or you don’t. It’s who you are and maybe who you want to be”

Tired

So tired of feeling like this,

like the water is starting to drown me,

like I deserve these acts of rage,

like I got to be really insignificant,

like I truly don’t belong here.

Tired of getting everything you want,

tired of trying to be someone I’m not,

tired of getting everything you want,

tired of trying to please you.

Without a voice?

Well, my voice is gone. Apparently. There’s something wrong with it, but I don’t know exactly why…
But, that made me think. Do I really have a voice?
I mean, I’m not underage anymore, however, it seems like I’m a child when it comes to decisions.
Is it so hard to accept my decision?
Do I really have a voice?
It sucks to not have one… especially when you need it the most…
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For my parabatai…

Max-Alec-Izzy-Jace Tarot (4 of wands)

I remembered that, almost a year ago, I promised my parabatai I would draw something for her, and I feel bad that I haven’t been able to do it.

Then, on December, I asked her to read something I was writing… and never “finished” it. I’m never satisfied with anything I write, so… I just hope it makes her smile. 😀

“Lightwoods, all together”

The night was dark and Max Lightwood didn’t like the thunderstorm that was ramming the windows of the New York Institute. But, he was a Shadowhunter… or at least, he was going to be one soon enough.

He was just 7 but he had been training with seraph blades and reading all the books in the library, including the Codex because he wanted to be ready. He usually sneaked around the weapons room when Alec and Jace trained together and secretly wished he could be as fast as Jace and as protective as Alec.

In that moment, a lightening lit up every single corner of his room and he yelped in surprise. He didn’t want to be a little kid, but he couldn’t sleep. Grabbing his glasses and a blanket, he tiptoed to the door. The lights were off, so he grabbed a witchlight and started his way to the music room or the library, whatever was closer would be fine.

A thunder resonated through the walls and he yelped again but this time someone heard him “Max?” It was Alec’s voice but the little boy had closed his eyes, and didn’t want to open them “Max, what are you doing out of bed? I thought you were asleep…”

“Alec… I was, but…” He couldn’t say it. He didn’t want to sound like a little kid. He wasn’t that little anymore and Alec was almost an adult.

“What’s the problem?”

“Where are you going? To the training room?”

“No, I was in the kitchen. Max… Let’s go back to your room…”

“No! I… I want to go to the training room, Alec!”

“Why? It’s kind of late for training”

“It’s never too late for training if you are a Shadowhunter at heart” Max said and then regretted. Those weren’t his words.

“You have to stop spending time with Jace. You’re starting to sound just like him”

“What about me?” Jace was barefoot and smiling at the door that connected the hallway to the music room. “What are you doing in the hallway, buddy?”

“Do you have a radar? I was just telling Max he has to go back to bed but…”

“Why does he? I mean, do you want to go back to bed, Max?” the little one shook his head “See, Alec? He doesn’t want to go back to bed”

The oldest Lightwood rolled his eyes at his parabatai. “Don’t encourage him, Jace. It’s late and mom…”

“For the Angel’s sake, Alec. Maryse is not here now, is she?” A new thunder made Max jump and drop the witchlight. “Max, do you want to play the piano with me?”

Max didn’t know what to say, but he did realize that Alec and Jace seemed to have a private – wordless – conversation between them. ‘Parabatai stuff’ as Jace used to called it. “I have to go give this to Isabelle. You can come if you want” Alec glanced at Max with a little smile and Jace laughed out loud.

“We get to annoy the little Lightwood princess! Sweet! Come on, Max, say you’re in! Please, can you imagine Izzy’s face if we storm into her bedroom in the middle of the night for no reason?” Max gave Jace a little smile and Alec relaxed a little bit. “If you say no, I’ll have to tickle you and bring you against your will”

“No, Jace! No tickles! I’ll go with you guys, but only because Izzy makes funny faces when Jace calls her ‘Princess’”

“But she IS a princess. At least in her mind… don’t tell her I said that” Max laughed and then the three of them went all the way to Isabelle’s room.

Alec was trying to make Max tell him what was going on but, every time he tried, the little one stared at his shoes and didn’t say a word. Jace watched Alec and decided he could help.

“Hey, Max?” the youngest Lightwood raised his eyes “What were you doing up so late? And in the hallway?”

“I was… trying to find Alec… or you”

“But, why?” Alec chimed in. It was so weird to think that Max was looking for him in the middle of the night without a reason.

But of course, Max didn’t answer. They reached Isabelle’s bedroom and Jace, with a wicked smile and a wink to Max barged in. The other two could hear the profanities out of Isabelle’s mouth.

“Jace! What the Hell?!”

“Hello, princess!” Izzy threw a pillow at him “Oh, come on, Iz, don’t tell me you’re not happy to see me?!”

“It’s late, Jace!”

Max couldn’t help but laugh when he saw his sister with a green stuff all over her face scowling at Jace “What is that on your face, Izzy?”

“Max! Alec! Oh, by the Angel! What are you guys doing in MY room in the middle of the night?”

“Well” Alec was restraining his laughter “Mom asked me to bring you your gear for tomorrow’s training. And Max here wanted to annoy you”

“Hey!”

“Actually, that was my idea. Thank you very much” Jace sat on the floor by the bed.

“I couldn’t sleep. And the guys thought it would be nice to annoy you for a little bit”

“Thanks for the honesty, Max” Izzy patted the bed by her side and Max went there. “Do you want me to read you? I could, you know”

“Would you?”

“Of course I would. You’re my little brother!” Isabelle went and grabbed a thick book from the shelf. “Damn, the only book I have here is the Codex…”

“It’s okay. Read me the Codex, Iz”

“Okay”

In just a couple of minutes, Max was asleep but Izzy kept reading with Alec by her side and Jace, with a smile on his face watching them from the floor…

So, here it is… I hope you like it and… As I always say… If you see something weird, let me know.

Think of this as a “belated” Christmas present! 😉

PD: this story came from this photo… a tarot card by Cassandra JP. 😀

Writing…

Writing is a part of me.
I can’t stop it… every time I hear “you’re not gonna believe what happened…” my mind starts imagining different outcomes for that fact.
Then I realized that, I had stopped! It’s been a while since I wrote anything…
…And I want to start again…
Maybe this blog will help with that… who knows?

Everything happens for a reason…

I realized everything happens for a reason.
There’s a reason why I have to wake up every morning before the crack of dawn: how else would I get to see those amazing sunrises?
There’s a reason why I picked Italian over all the languages when I was signing for my clases: how else would I have met my amazing friends?
There’s a reason why my father left us when I was 1: how else would I be that close with my mom and my granny? How else would I appreciate my mom the way I do today?
There’s a reason why I picked up TMI at the bookstore: I’ve met amazing people thanks to it. And it encouraged me to keep going.
Don’t question everything that happens in your life… everything happens for a reason.
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Today…

It was one of those days when you basically go fuck this and don’t even want to get out of bed.
I couldn’t sleep.
My throat killed me (Thanks amygdala, btw)
And it was too cold to function correctly.
So, what did I do? I stayed in bed.
I missed my friends. I know they all went to school today but me, however, I’m too cold to even think.
I still miss them, though. I know I’ll see them in the morning.
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